It’s Sunday here, which Muzzy says is intended for rotting in bed and/or on the sofa.
She knows this job is important though, so she’s willing to trade that in to help me recap this show.
She spent Valentine’s Day weekend with her Big Dumb Boyfriend, Fish.
We don’t waste any time this week: after a brief montage of the women lounging around the McMansion, we go straight into the group date.
Grant and a group of the women go to a classroom where “The Bachelor School of Finance” is written on a chalkboard.
Grant, apparently, is a day trader.
Ed.note: oh, no.
All of the women are given a power suit to change into before class. There are clear boxes on each desk where the women can put “Grant bucks” they earn, which will buy them perks doing the after party.
So is this crypto?
Ed. note: Yes, and also Beanie Babies. (Not really.)
The first question they ask is, “When was the last time your credit card was declined?”
Then they ask what’s the most risqué purchase you’ve ever made and one of the women just fesses up to buying a butt plug.
Finally they get into one of those cubicles that blows cash around to try and get as many Grant bucks as possible, and I always wanted to try that–except for real money. I got cats to feed.
Muzzy: Mama stay home all day. Chewy brings the foods.
Muzzy doesn’t understand how money works.
Ed. note: From the Department of Useless Knowledge: I have attended a lot of Chuck E. Cheese birthday parties and the strategy is to figure out where the paper bux are blowing from, block that with your body, and gather them into your arms/under your shirt as quickly as possible. Also, wear a big shirt.
Bailey, who was being strategic, wins. She curated her answers to amuse the host who was giving away the money, not Grant who was playing along with the women.
She turns in her Grant bucks for one of his shirts to sleep in and also a dessert. I love how she chooses food and something that doesn’t require them spending time together.
During the after party, Zoe says she hated the date. She felt like she didn’t connect with Grant, and she starts crying. Reminder, Zoe stole his time a bunch on previous dates so the other women aren’t interested in her tears.
Then Zoe overhears Sarafiena say Zoe’s dress is too short and she feels like she’s being bullied by mean girls and needs to tell Grant.
Hang on.
Click for Me
Okay, I’m ready.
Also Zoe is absolutely shitfaced on martinis.
Grant, who appears to be sober, tells her not to let other people get her down but doesn’t engage further in the drama.
“We’re all here to find love,” he says.
Yes that’s…100% why people are on this show….
Then Grant admits he’s a dog person.
Muzzy: Knew it.
The date rose goes to Parisa, who I don’t think he interacted with. Or I blacked it out.
Then Grant mentions that some of the women have been belittling others and he wants them to be kind to each other which naturally just lights a fuse under everyone.
We cut back to the McMansion pool where everyone is crying, presumably because of how the group date ended. I’m willing to be they’re all just hungover and sleep deprived. Alexe clutches a plush llama. Someone is drinking a breakfast beer.
Then it’s time for the next one-on-one date. Grant and Carolina fly to Las Vegas on a private jet. Carolina is wearing what I can only describe as a pair of trousers fashioned into a tank top.
While I don’t claim to understand fashion, I have to admit it’s a weird ass look and it doesn’t look very comfortable. Maybe she’s upcycling. IDK.
“I think I’ll wear wool dress trousers as a tank top in this lovely Vegas heat. Really get that hot wool smell going.”
Ed. note: It’s from Zara, and available on Poshmark for $60. Neat concept, but I’d be very itchy and distracted if I wore it, I bet.
Once they get to Vegas they go bungee jumping because this franchise loves an activity that could result in a severe traumatic brain injury.
During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Carolina tells him that she has epilepsy. She cries really hard and says that friends and romantic partners have let her down over it. Grant gives her the date rose.
Honestly, epilepsy is no joke, but the way they hype up their “performative trauma” with long pauses and dramatic music is ridiculous and offensive.
Beverly’s one-on-one is the next day, but we learn she’s sick and won’t be returning to the McMansion. They don’t mention it on the show, but Beverly woke up with severe stomach pain and vomiting and wound up needing an appendectomy, which was presumably less painful than the one-on-one date would have been. Although I bet this show would be more fun if everyone was hooked up to a morphine drip.
Instead we have a mini group date with Sarafiena, Litia and Dina. They go to a dog rescue where they play with the pups, and then Lisa Vanderpump from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills shows up. She has a foundation for rescue dogs.
Lisa guides them through grooming a terrier mix who definitely didn’t consent to being on the show. Also that dog deserves the final rose. No one else. Also no one washed his booty and you gotta wash the dog booty. Dingleberries are a thing.
I love Litia’s peachy-pink cable knit tank and now I kind of want to knit it.
Grant gives her the date rose, so she gets to have dinner with him. I have a gut feeling she’ll be in the final three.
Back at the McMansion, Carolina is sobbing. Last week she danced with Grant at the end of their group date. Rose told Carolina that Grant said while they were dancing together he was thinking of her (Rose). Now Carolina is really upset. Also Carolina has PJs with pictures of her dog on them and I love it.
The next morning a big box is delivered with a note that says “Will you go to prom with me?” The box is filled with corsages for all of the ladies.
The pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony is prom themed, complete with balloons and crepe paper decor. Grant says he didn’t go to his prom so he wanted it to be the theme for the party. Also, inexplicably, four guys from The Golden Bachelorette attend.
They have a DJ and a dance floor and actually the party does look pretty fun.
Carolina is continuing to melt down about the entire Rose thing and debates just leaving. She sits Grant down and says “You were thinking of someone else when you were dancing on stage with me.”
Grant demands to know who told her that. He says it’s not true.
Then he guesses three separate women, none of whom are Rose and makes it soooooo much worse LOL.
He asks to speak to Rose privately.
Rose sticks to her story and says he told her that while Grant denies it again. None of this happened on camera so I don’t know what’s true.
Rose admits she may have misunderstood him, but it seems like a weird thing to misunderstand.
Then it’s finally time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Alli Jo, Bailey and Chloie all go home.
And that’s it for tonight. Do you believe Rose or Grant or was it all a big misunderstanding?
