Jenn and the lads head to Auckland, New Zealand, which brings up so many questions regarding the Rose God.
First we were filming the first night in a different McMansion, then on week two we traveled literally halfway around the world.
Has the Rose God finally risen?
Is there some battle being waged with a Cthulu-esque entity we don’t know about?
Is Chris Harrison going to jump into a volcano to save us all?
So many questions. The only question Picasso has is: rub the belly?
The first one-on-one date goes to Sam M.
There is a Sam M and a Sam N and that’s not confusing AT ALL.
The other guys joke that he says that he’s being his “authentic self” at least once a day.
Jenn and Sam have drinks on top of the Sky Tower where they see a bungee jumper fly by.
A staff member tells them that they can either walk around the top of the tower or jump themselves. If you remember, Jenn hates heights and was terrified of her sky diving date.
Jenn wants to just walk around the top of the tower and Sam M says, “No, we’re jumping.”
Um, excuse me, motherfucker, who said you get a vote?
So Jenn says, “Do you think you can just make the decision for me to jump?”
“Usually I’m not like that, but for this one yes,” says Sam M who is absolutely, totally always like that. “Fifty years from now you’ll look back and say you did that.”
Jenn reiterates that she hates heights. She’s obviously irritated this dude bro made a unilateral decision on her behalf.
Picasso: I feel a strange sensation…as if the spirit of a Siamese cat is saying “PUSH HIM.”
Jenn says she’s not jumping and Sam says, “I’ll give you a little push,” and then laughs.
He’s so grossly unaware or unconcerned by her fear in this moment. She should just send him home and nap the rest of the day.
They go up to the sky walk and they’re rigged into some harnesses. Jenn isn’t enjoying herself. “I hate every second of this,” she tells the camera.
While Jenn is freaking out, Sam asks for a kiss. “Sam’s not reading my emotions, at all,” she says.
“Guys, I can’t do this,” Jenn says tearfully. Both the guide and Sam pressure her to keep going.
JESUS CHRIST LET THE WOMAN BE DONE NOW.
Picasso: Sam, you are being silly. Go inside, cuddle on Jenn’s lap and do purrs. It’s so easy, Sam. So easy.
Sam gives her a hug, which somehow magically fixes all the shit she’s going through?
The guide and Sam (and probably a producer) pressure her into the sky jump.
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I hate this narrative that you need to do crazy, scary things once in your life.
It’s also completely valid to say I don’t want to do this and go get tacos instead.
During dinner, Sam describes wanting a “wild” love. Previously he has said “ferocious.”
Man, I’m in my forties and I’m here for cozy love. Love with naps.
Picasso: Here for you.
Anyway, for reasons I don’t understand he gets the date rose.
They make out.
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For the group date, the guys will be playing rugby. Like a lot of other Americans, we here at Bachelor/ette Recap HQ With Cats have been watching Olympic rugby and we stan Ilona Maher.
Marcus has played rugby before so he stands out.
Devin has the next one-on-one date, so he and Sam M are back at the hotel staring at each other like two feral toms who just met for the first time.
Picasso: That is offensive to cats.
They immediately start arguing with each other about nothing.
Back on the group date, they’ve split the guys into two teams. Marcus gets hit hard and looks like he might have an injured shoulder. Sam N stands out for being aggressive on the field. He also writes “Jenn’s Husband” on his jersey.
The blue team wins and gets an afterparty with Jenn. Sam N still has on-field attitude and is annoying the shit out of everyone including me.
“I’m gonna have the first kiss with my wife,” Sam N says of Jenn.
Marcus politely asks Sam N to move over so he can sit down on the couch and Sam ignores him.
Picasso: But couch snugs are best snugs!
Sam N immediately grabs Jenn for one-on-one time. He gives her a jersey that has Sam’s Wife as the name on the back. He says he has “hot energy only” (WHUT) and “boss bitch energy.”
The Sams suck.
When he comes back, the other guys tell him to quit being such a fuck nugget.
“I could care less about their noise. I’m not here to make friends (TAKE A SHOT), I’m not here for their bromance,” Sam N says.
There’s more drama and bitching between Sam N and the others and I’m not going to recap it because it sounds like the Minions gibbering to each other.
I will say that Sam N says his “inner dog” came out, which Picasso and I both agree is offensive to dogs.
Later Sam N asks Jenn if he can kiss and she says no.
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She says she can’t really see them together and she doesn’t want to lead him on. She asks to walk him out.
The date rose goes to Marcus.
Next its time for the one-on-one date with Devin and they are going to learn more about the Māori culture.
They observe some traditional songs and dances.
Jenn talks about her culture as the daughter of two Vietnamese immigrants and that she wants to pass along her traditions as a Buddhist to her children.
During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Devin talks about growing up with parents who weren’t together and moving around a lot.
Jenn talks about how her father wasn’t present in her life, and how he decided at some point he didn’t want to be a father. She chose to no longer pursue a relationship with him. As a result she said she got into a cycle of investing in guys who weren’t invested in her.
Devin tells Jenn he’s falling for her, and he gets the date rose.
So the next day, Jenn is going for a walk along the waterfront to get some B roll footage.
Then we cut to Jesse who acts like some kind of international crisis is happening–he tells us someone from Jenn’s past flew to New Zealand to see Jenn.
GASP!
A very tired looking dude shows up to the hotel where Jesse is waiting. He says he dated Jenn for three or fourth months three years ago. They were on again off again after that, and now he wants her back.
Of course he does.
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[/spoilers]
So then Dude, whose name we never bothered to learn apparently, ambushes Jenn at the harbor.
Jenn calls him Matthew. Good to know.
Matthew says, “I’m not ready to let you get engaged without telling you I have really strong feelings for you.”
“So you’re ready to get engaged,” she asks incredulously.
“I am,” he says.
“Matthew,” she scolds.
Yeah, Matthew. You’re acting like a real Sam.
She tells him they had plenty of time together and this feels out of the blue. She also points out that he could have said any of this before she left.
He says he loves her. He asks to join the show to prove to her how much he cares about her.
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We got a lot of dramatic music and that’s where we end. Are you watching?
