Age should not define a person or diminish respect from others. There is a generation of people overlooked every day, and little attention is paid to this growing problem.
As people age, they may become less visible within their communities. It can seem like people who once smiled as they walked by begin passing without a glance. Seniors may feel like unwanted outsiders in society. Sadly, many participate in their own “invisibility” by withdrawing into isolation.
People who do not feel connected are at increased risk of depression, dementia, and poor self-esteem. According to the American Psychological Association, self-perception is related to physical and mental health and overall life satisfaction.
In a society that idolizes youth and youth culture, it can be difficult to understand and address the challenges older adults face. When we are young, imagining what our life might look like when we are older is practically incomprehensible. As a result, the needs of older adults are not well understood by younger populations. The experience of feeling invisible can be shocking and painful, but having support can help to positively navigate this time in a person’s life.
– Jewish Family Services Organization
I recently had two couples over for a glass of champagne to celebrate New Year’s Eve. There was a big party at the lodge where I live, but I couldn’t go because of a health concern, so I asked them to visit me before they went to the party so I at least had a little celebration. I had champagne and snacks for them to enjoy.
I am a widow, and these two couples have been married for a very long time and had a lot to say about their lives together and life in general. I was married for 30 years, but no one was interested in that statistic. The first thing I noticed was that they were dominating the conversation and had no interest in anything I had to say, despite the fact they were sitting in my living room. This has happened before, but never was it so apparent to me sitting in my own home that they had the “best” stories to tell and I had none. I continued to pour the champagne and serve snacks and watched this phenomenon continue to grow.
When one of the husbands started to tell a story, his wife said to him, “Be sure you tell the story so Nancie understands it.” I perked up and wondered what it would be about. It must have been something pretty spectacular. But no, it was about baseball, which he is a huge fan of, and the story was that he saw Willie Mays in the grocery store several years ago. I almost audibly groaned at how stupid they must think I am. I got up and got more champagne. I could tell the conversation was going to continue this way for the evening.
I decided it was my turn and began to tell the story of when Clint Eastwood walked into my husband’s office several years ago to ask for a favor. I barely finished the sentence and the two couples were off and running with their own very interesting lives. I wanted to scream, “This is a good story, could I please finish it?”
I was married to a very important attorney who worked for the State of California. He went to the U.S. Supreme Court twice, and I still have all the certificates and cards that he was awarded for going. Yet if I mention this or show people the certificates, they just walk away without acknowledging that this was an important thing in this man’s life. Maybe it’s because he isn’t here, but honestly, how many people do you know that have gone to the Supreme Court?
I began to think about other times I have been places, and the friend I am with might be younger and will have all the attention and make all the conversation, and I am left standing as though I am not there. I usually have something to contribute but can’t get a word in as they are taking over the conversation. It’s frustrating to say the least when I still consider myself able to hold a conversation with anyone without much trouble.
Many times, my younger neighbors think they have to explain things to me that I have known or done for years. I will have already told them I know how to do things like change the heater filters in my house, put air in the tires of my car, and have the oil changed. Many are genuinely trying to help, but some think I can’t handle my life alone. It seems that way anyway, but really, I do think they are trying to help me. However, it is frustrating. I have a hard time just letting their unsolicited advice fly away in the wind and would like to say, “I’ve been doing this for years. I’ll let you know if I need help.”
I don’t want to quit going out with people who are younger than I am so I get some attention, but feel that may be the only way I get to participate in the community where I live. I am a little older than most residents, so this might end up being difficult and not very fun. This is an instance where self-isolation is possible, but not the answer. I enjoy the restaurant and activities as much as the next person, even though I may leave earlier and not drink alcohol.
My main question lies in the facts that, yes, I do have white hair and sometimes walk with a cane, but does that mean I have no history of a life or knowledge of the world and my experiences in it? I had several interesting jobs in my lifetime, one being I was an intensive care nurse for about 25 years. I still know a lot about medicine and hospital routines, and it seems if someone has high blood pressure, they will ask me about it and their medication, but anything more serious like a blood sugar of 600, they look at me like I don’t know what I’m talking about when I tell them they need to get it under control.
I’ve written twelve books, been on TV several times, and owned my own business. I don’t even bring this up anymore, as most people just move forward with their own stories and ignore what I am saying. I know everyone thinks their story is the most important, but are we losing the experiences of our older citizens by not listening to them and perhaps learning something from them?
Many seniors begin to disappear into the background, suffering from loneliness, perhaps from lack of funds to participate in activities like movies and dining out, but not all of them do. Medication and illness may also get in the way for some, but it isn’t what makes them what they used to be or who they are today. The experiences they had are hard to compete with, especially because it was done without computers and cell phones, with very little money, and still, they had careers, raised families, and had long, successful marriages.
Today was Martin Luther King Day. I was telling a young woman that I was 13 when JFK was assassinated and in high school when Bobby Kennedy and Martin Luther King were killed, and I think she had a hard time believing anybody was still alive that could remember these things. I could see her trying to go back that far in history and make sense of what I was telling her, but the subject got changed, and we moved on with the day. Not unusual for that to happen.
Life moves so fast that if you don’t keep moving ahead with the conversation, it might pass you by. But is it so bad to sit and visit and let a senior citizen tell their “stories,” even if it’s just for a few minutes? Remembering is good for older brains. When we begin to forget, we will start paying attention because we might not remember who we are anymore, and the story of the life we lived has gone from our memory.
Everyone has a history, and it most likely is different than the person of the same sex, age, and race across the room from you. We have so many brilliant people in our world, considered senior citizens over age 55, who brought our communities together, ran banks, managed the stock market, traveled the world, participated in sports, ran businesses, and had occupations that took many years to train for and just may be some of the smartest people you will ever meet. They have to be given the chance, and listening to what they have to say could really open up the world as it used to be and maybe give you a vision of what is still to come. You also might learn something from them about aging and how it changes your life because no matter what you do, it’s going to happen to you, too.
Nancie Wiseman Attwater is the author of A Caregiver’s Love Story.
